I finished my new line in the Coliseum yesterday. It’s a
gem, of course, and if it wasn’t so much of a cliché at this point to say it,
I’d likely spray that it’s “the best route I’ve ever touched” or “hands down
the best climb of life.” But searching for those terms within my blog turns up
more hits than google searching for “Demi Moore 80’s bush.” (Don’t do it, I
warned you)
It all started about two weeks ago when I went out to clean
up the clutter of tattered draws on Still
Life and replace the hardware with glue-ins and steel permas. While doing
it, I just couldn’t get over how crappy of a route Still Life is. It’s just terrible.
Had I been around 20 years ago we wouldn’t be in this mess,
but I wasn’t, and that wall fell into the hands of Porter Jarrard. Porter is
known for his complete lack of vision and sloppy work ethic. It’s unfortunate
that he was around early enough to pretty much ruin most of the climbing
potential in the Southeast, somehow managing to always bolt inferior quality
climbs and even ‘squeeze jobs’ despite his routes often being the first routes
on the wall.
Visual clarity on the left. Beer goggles on the right. The eyes behind those glasses are only able to see chossy routes destined for poorly-placed bolts and unpleasant movement.
Consequently, most of his routes have fallen into obscurity.
Ever heard of routes like Apollo Reed,
Pod, Mercy the Huff, or Table of
Colors? I didn’t think so… It’s because they’re terrible routes. That last
one, Table of Colors, is at some
backwater crag called the “Red River Gorge” that no one ever goes to. At some
point in the 90’s, the “visionary” Porter Jarrard bolted some routes there
thinking that someday people would be interested in climbing steep, pocketed
rock in Kentucky. Boy was he wrong!
Anyway, Porter is responsible for bolting Still Life, a solitary line up the
small, steep buttress at the right end of the Coliseum, an area that I would have
called the Thunderdome but first come, first served I guess. In typical Porter
style, he chose the absolute LEAST aesthetic way to climb the wall. He chose a
path that follows barely there holds that all face the wrong way. Not to
mention, the holds are too far apart.
There are a three qualities that determine the difficulty of
a rock climb: how steep the wall is, how big the holds are, and how far apart
they are. Still Life is steep with
bad holds that are far apart. That’s why it’s hard, but also why it sucks and
doesn’t suit my style. If I had to define my style, I would say that I’m best
at climbing low-angle rock with good holds that are close together. Maybe you
can relate if that style also suits you. Unfortunately, Still Life doesn’t fit ANY of that criteria, so in my humble
opinion, it kind of sucks. Most people that try Still Life, myself included, lower down bitching and moaning about
how bad it sucks due to those characteristics. When the holds are far apart
it’s generally classified as “reachy.” When the holds are bad and small on
steep rock, we’d call it “uncomfortable,” “thrutchy,” or “awkward.” NOT FUN,
that’s for sure! Conversely, when the holds are close together, big, and on
less steep rock, the route usually gets rave reviews using terms like “flowy,” “aesthetic,”
and “fun.”
So I set out to fix what Porter screwed up 20 years ago by
bolting a more flowy and aesthetic path up the wall. My “more fun” and superior
version breaks left after the 3rd bolt of Still Life and engages a way better crux sequence through the
tiered roofs. But wait, there is another reason that Still Life is terrible and his name is Joel Brady, the guy that
eventually climbed Porter’s project.
Joel is a total degenerate that started slopping around at
the New River Gorge back when hair bands were still in vogue. He made a name
for himself by thrutching his way up hard routes like the 2nd ascent
of Mango Tango and, of course, the
first ascent of Still Life. It’s a
miracle he was able to do it. His footwork is atrocious, but, somehow, he was
able to get by with just muscley shoulders and temper tantrums. I guess Still Life does suit his style:
aggressive, thrutchy, and ugly!
Click the image for a video montage of Joel demonstrating arrogance, poor footwork, and temper tantrums.
Joel and I have interacted on numerous occasions and if I
had to label our relationship, I might say “arch rivals” or, more accurately,
“mortal enemies.”
It was very important to me to complete my superior route,
which in turn would immediately transform his route, Still Life, into an inferior, squeeze job, variation eliminate. I’m
happy to say that I’ve achieved success!
I named my route Prohibition
as a final blow to Joel. When asked why he named his route what he did, Joel
responded, with the intellect of a third grader, “Durrr, it’s pretty like a
painting.” Very clever mortal enemy, but little did I know that Joel was about
to drop a double entendre on my ass. “Also,” he said, “the day I did it, I was
a bit hungover.” Get it? Still….like where alcohol is made.
Well guess what Mr. Brady…I have bested you once again with
an unprecedented TRIPLE ENTENDRE! Prepare to wallow in the depths of my
esoteric grandeur.
1. Prohibition was a response to the “still life” that was
ruining Americans, just like my route is a response to your trashy,
irresponsible, reckless lifestyle and route.
2. If you are the type of person that is “prohibited” from
reaching the chains of Still Life due
to the reachy, thrutchy, and awkward cruxes… this route is a fun and pleasant
alternative.
3. I “prohibited” all innocent and fun-loving teenagers,
which included the Horst brothers and Kai Lightner, from getting on my route
until I redpointed it. I used a proper red tag, the way the climbing Gods
intended. Nothing spells humble like looking a kid in the eye and telling him
to go bolt his own project!
I think the choice is clear.
Here’s a simple breakdown of my route vs. Joel’s route:
First three bolts:
Same, same. It’s unfortunate to have to share with Joel but such is life. It
would have been a far inferior sequence to try to force an independent start.
The first three bolts of Still Life
are, admittedly, Porter’s only decent contribution to climbing.
Exiting the
undercling move: At the third bolt, you do a powerful and, unfortunately,
“reachy” move off an undercling to reach a hold up and left. For Joel’s route,
you immediately move back right. Whoa there Joel! What’s happening? I was going
left, now I’m going right? What is this, a carnival ride? Don’t run for office
Joel, you’re a flip flopper! He’s a flip flopper folks! And you’re skirting the
issue Joel. It’s much easier to go right. Why are you always shying away from a
challenge and taking the easy way out?
My route on the other hand flows so perfectly, you cross up
and over to a good hold, clip, and engage a much harder sequence to snag a door
jam-sized crimp followed by a wild dyno to a jug pocket. Two more moves on good
holds and you get to a rest beneath the roof. It’s 13c to here, a notch harder
than getting to the rest on Joel’s inferior version.
The Rest: The
rest on my route is a tad better than the rest on Joel’s route. You get a nice
shake with a good foot beneath. The rest on Joel’s route isn’t as pleasant. A
high heel toe in the horizontal just below your hands. ACL damage anyone? Any
takers?
Crux 1: The first
roof crux on my route is a mirror image of the crux on Joel’s route. On Still Life, you reach off a pancake
flake to an uncomfortable sloper (gag), get a heel and bust a hamstring trying
to lurch up and over. Gross! On my route, you reach off a pancake flake with
the opposite hand to a nice 1/3 pad sloping crimp with delicate texture that
just begs to be beared down upon. Heel hook with the right leg and make
beautiful precision bumps from an intermediate non-hold, to a gorgeous 3-finger
shallow pocket intermediate, then a final stab for the door jam depth
horizontal. The first crux of both routes are exactly the same difficulty
whatever that is. V7 or 8?
Crux 2: This is
the worst part of Still Life which is
a funny thing to say since it’s all so bad! That’s like saying, “the worst part
about being eaten alive by a pack of hyenas is…” It’s true though, the last
crux of Still Life is just awful. I’ve
never been able to do that section because the holds are pretty bad and far
apart. Too reachy! But if I had to guess, it’s probably V8 or V9. No need for
footwork up there, just arm power and grunting. If that’s what I wanted from
climbing, I’d stay home and campus. Boring!
My route, on the other hand, is a nice flowy V6 dyno from a perfect
sidepull plate in the roof, up and over to a nice jug. When you stick it, you’re
just dangling there by one arm like Stallone on the front cover of Cliff
Hanger. It’s so rad. All the bikini girl spectators bust into a frenzy of
applause when you stick it.
Pretty much exactly how the last move goes on Prohibition.
Top out: Joel’s
route is pretty much over. You do a couple of stupid moves and you’re at the
anchor. On my route, you do a fairly rad lunge before scurrying up some close
together jugs on low angle rock. Did someone say “aesthetic?” I intentionally
placed my anchor a little higher that Joel’s anchor cause longer routes are
better. It’s about 6 inches higher than Joel’s and you really have to stretch
to make the clip but I think it’s totally worth it.
You make the call folks. Face hair and goofball climbing to the right? Or aesthetically pleasing handsomeness to the left.
Prohibition is
certainly ¾ of a notch easier than Still
Life. I would say that if Still Life
is 5.14b.5, then Prohibition is
5.14a.75. It’s also an absolute classic. 4 stars all day. The only thing that
mars Prohibition is the inferior
eliminate variation that breaks off at the third bolt. But now that you know
which way to go when you get to the fork, just try to ignore all the
overchalked and broken holds, glue, and garbage climbing that goes right.
Here's Kai Lightner starting up his project Still Life. In all seriousness, Still Life is an incredibly difficult and beautiful route and Kai is all in on sending it. I got to spend the weekend climbing with Kai and Connie and they are some of my favorite people in the climbing world. Kai is such a boss! Watching him climb is incredible. He naturally floats on the rock, but this past weekend, just when you think he was going to hike to the chains, he'd unexpectedly drop from the last move. It was a heartbreaker for him but he handles himself so appropriately, internalizes it, analyzes what he can improve on, and tries again. He's kind of the opposite of Joel Brady. ;-) Thanks for letting the old man have his FA Kai!