Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I'm in. This blog is mine now sucker. What kind of loser sets his password as 'Sharmaisgod'. Nailed it onsight.

First off, what idiot designed this keyboard? Spacebar is freaking killing me. I'd shag a cat for a couple of opposable thumbs about now.

Since I've never been allowed to post before I'll start back as far as my dog brain can go. All the way back to....that's right, when these jokers left me at home for five weeks so they could go traipsing around Europe.

Oh yeah, I knew all about the trip. I saw them planning and packing and the whole time I'm thinking to myself, "This is gonna be bawse!" I was a little worried about the flight so I scored a couple of Qualudes at the club the other night. I'm thinking I pop a few of them mofos and when I wake up "Boom! Where my chiens at!" I was super amped when I heard we were going to France. The crags in France are a dog's dream. Doo doo snacks under every rock! But I let my guard down and those A-holes left me. I was pissed but fortunately my Dogfather Kirk and his main squeeze Krystaaaal came over to party. Kirk took me to work everyday. I was the mascot for New River Mountain guide's kids summer camp. Kickin' it at the crag everyday, ya know what I'm sayin'? Keepin' it real.

I was just settling in to life with my new rents when these two jokers roll back in thinkin' they own the place. I'll hold a grudge man, and I did. Especially cause as soon as they got back, life came to a crashing halt. Days at the crag turned into days on the couch. Super lame. Mama C went pretty much right back to teaching snot nose brats and M-Dub started clacking away at this here keypad. For days. Apparently he started some new job as 'editor-in-chief' at Deadpointmag.com. And believe me he will not let me forget it. I think it's gone to his head. Check this out, you're going to love this:

Ok, Ok, so the other day I'm sleeping on the couch as usual right. It's just me and M-Dub in the house. I hear real faint off in the distance "editor in chief....editor in chief....editor in chief" At first I think I'm dreaming but I'm wide awake now and for sure it's M-Dub whispering it or something. So I real stealth like slip off the couch, creep over, and stick my head around the door. Ok, Ok, seriously, the dude is standing in the bathroom with his shirt off. He's staring at himself in the mirror, flexing his muscles, saying "yeah, Editor in Chief" Dude, I am dying inside. I'm doing everything I can to not bust out laughing cause this is too good. Then, seriously, OK, seriously, he drops his arms down in like some girly pose and puts on some seductive secretary voice and he's like "Mr. Editor in Chief, here's those faxes you asked for. Would you like any more coff...." But right then he sees me staring at him and I lose it. I'm laughing so hard I can't even breath and he slams the door and I can hear him in there sobbing like a little girl. Bwaaahhhahaaa! Dude, what a loser! Can you even believe that!

So this goes on for days, the whole typing thing and he's always bitching about being busy when all he really does is update his Facebook status and reread his 8a.nu scorecard for the millionth time. So one day the phone rings, right? I can here it's Dave Pegg from Wolverine Publishing on the line cause my ears be light years ahead of ya'lls. I immediately start listening in cause I know Bel and Dee Dee are over there and I'm wondering if they're going to give me a shout out. I love Dee Dee. I mean we spent time together man. We ran in front of cars at the Project Wall, we dirted up rope bags in the Arsenal, we tried to steal sandwiches at the Wasteland so we could eat em up and then poop em out at the base of the routes. I mean I'm a dog right? So you know, I got ho's in different area codes, you know what I'm sayin'? But Dee Dee is my bottom bitch. Paws down.

Anyway, Pegg gets down to business and he's like " We gotta get this Ipod app thing on the move." I can tell M-Dub is looking a little overwhelmed cause that's gonna seriously cut into his Facebook time but he's in. I'm thinking I'm screwed. Another week in the house right. You could not be further from the truth. Pegg starts talking about getting GPS coordinates for every crag in the gorge. M-Dub is like "Dude, that is a lot of hiking" My ears perk up cause I love hiking. "By the end of the month? I don't know Dave that might be pushing it but I'll try." I glance at the calendar and that's like ten days away. Baller! We gonna be getting our hike on.

So the next day we hit the proverbial dusty trail which in West Virginia is more like soggy moss and mud. Some of the best days of my life. Let me tell you just a few of the adventures I had. First day we hike all of Bubba City from Rubble Rock to Cat Cliff, all of Endless, all of Beauty, half of Fern Butt, and all of Kaymoor. Money. The perfect day. A couple things happened that day. First I stopped to swim in Fern Creek and M-Dub was down in the water too. He's trying to point at something in the water but all I see is my own reflection. Turns out there is a lobster-sized crawdad down there but I can't see it. Apparently M-Dub sees all this go down. I'm in the water up to my chest so I can drink without moving my neck cause that's what I like. I'm standing there minding my own business and this crawdad walks straight over to my leg and tries to take a chunk out of my paw with his claw-piece. Dude, I jumped straight out of the water a mile high and ran to the shore. I was scared to death and shaking worse than the last time I shit peach pits. But such is a dog's life and we headed on down the mossy trail.

We're strolling along now at a steady clip and I come upon a girl squatted down right next to the trail. I point her out and M-Dub looks embarassed cause she's dropping a deuce right there! No big deal for me. I'm thinking snack time!

Right after that I stir up a yellow jackets nest cause that's what I like to do. I get stung a bunch and it's no big deal but M-Dub is a total sissy about bees. He goes tearing through the woods screaming "They're on me, Macauly Culkin, My Girl, Call 911!" Unfortunately, he didn't get stung at all.

It's starting to roll up towards evening time now and as the lights go down my fellow woodland creatures stir to life. Out around Sunset Point we're real quiet like getting a coordinate for Keeney's Buttress and a trio of young Bucks walk into the clearing. All three are just younguns with some fuzzy racks. I crouch down real low cause I know I'm about to get my chase on. Then boom! It's on. I feel the wild beast in me come forth and instinct takes over. Two bucks break one way and I single out the indivdual from the herd and follow him. M-Dub can hear my howls far off into the distance of the West Virginia wilderness. I chased that deer until we were both blue in the face. I wonder what I would do if I ever caught one?

And that was just the first day! Yesterday we hiked a bunch up around the Gauley River and Summersville Lake. We went and checked out Carnifex Ferry and some toothless old timer stopped to tell us about his guard dog. He said if we went near his house when his wife wasn't home we'd be cool but if she was in there it'd bite us. I kept pulling at the leash cause dude was weird. But M-Dub seems to get off on these types of interactions with real-deal hillbillies.

After that epic hike we made our way out to Gauley Crag. In the parking lot were two people. A parapalegic lying down on a chaise lounge and some lady with a note pad giving him some kind of hypno therapy or something. Dude, this place is weird sometimes. It was 90 something degrees that day and it was killing me. My tongue was dragging the ground I was so hot. M-Dub spent the whole day bitching about the heat and I'm like "bro, your tongue is in your mouth. What do you expect."

So later on we hike out to the Lake and I run into one of my boys, Rupert P Dogface. He's a boxer like me so we played a bit and then I headed down to the Circus Wall. The heat had finally taken its toll and I was feeling it. Out there around Circus Wall I found this sweeeeet mud hole that smelled like feces. Mmmmm. Needless to say, I got all up in it. I rolled on my back and made sure that the doo doo mud was all over my belly and back and on my face. I ran over to M-Dub to show him how pretty I was and how good I smelled and he yelled at me as usual. Man, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince had it right. Parent just don't understand.

So a bit later M-Dub's like "Hey Lilah, you want to go get a drink?" I'm like "Hell yeah I want a drink. I'm freaking parched as a mofo." So we wander down to the lake and M-Dub is like "Oh wow, this water is so cool and refreshing and he's splashing his hands in it but something aint right. I'm a dog you know and I can sense when something is up. I cock my head and shy back a bit but he grabs me up and throws me as far into the lake as he can. I'm airborne bro and I have time to mutter "What the F...!" before I hit that water like a fat kid off the high dive. Skadoosh! Then he jumps in after me and starts dunking my head like a bully at the park pool. I get to wrastlin back but it's no good man. He won. I ended up cleaner than a frog's armpit. I didn't even smell like doo doo anymore. Man....

Here we are today at the Meadow. We hiked the lower Meadow down to sunkist wall where we found this jumbo hornets nest. Apparently, Parker threw a rock at it the other day and tried to knock it down but they just built it back stronger. Tenacious little devils.

I was totally game for knocking their nest down and eating their babies but again, M-Dub is a total sis. I can tell he's having 'My Girl' flashbacks again so I let it be. We hike down to the river and find a crossing.

You have got to be kidding me? Now I'm the sissy. I'm seeing consequence bro.

But I don't live my life in fear. I ain't skeered. Come on, get psyched and....Gap it!

We're on to the other side and M-Dub starts talking about 'projects' again. I am so tired of 'mega proj' this and 'mega proj' that. I swear if he says it one more time I'll lunge for his juggy and latch on with my canines. This rock all looks the same to me. Just another roof blocking my good sun.

I found this graffitti and started laughing my ass off. M-Dub scolded me like he didn't think it was funny. Lighten up bro. And make sure you wear a 'Trojen' Ha! I swear us dogs are smarter than the rednecks around here.

We hit Hedricks Creek and then blasted back across the river and hiked out. Hey, just for the record I am not afraid of turtles. M-Dub will tell you I'm scared to death and will give a wide berth to avoid them. Whatever man, I just respect them that's all. And they smell weird. And they have sharp beaks. And OK their shells kind of stab into my psyche for some reason but I aint skeered though. No way.

Time to sleep.
Do not disturb...unless you're filling my bowl with some Lamb and Rice. Gotta rest up for tomorrow. I never know what we'll be getting into.

Peace out bitches! And I mean that in the most scientific way.


Munky said...

Elissa told me you had a blog last week so when I had my kids doing silent reading last period (brilliant by the way) I went to go find it. Low and behold I find this post and nearly loose it laughing in front of my class. Good story Lilah. Dat Beatch be knowing shit!

Stella said...

best post ever.

bablingbroox said...