Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Lilah'sfurcladadventures.blogspot.com: Moose Tracks

I want all y'all to take a moment and picture me in your mind. Picture me how you normally see me. I'm probably laying on a blanket on the couch, snuggled up next to E-train or something, watching Desperate Housewives and looking all pathetic and cute. You probably think that I'm lying there thinking about dog treats and my next forced piss break. Forget about it. I'm thinking about tearing the throat out of the next woodland creature I see, regardless of its size. I don't give a shit! Honey badger's got nothing on me. I'd take out a cobra too if given the chance.  And I sure as hell wouldn't be afraid to take on something bigger either.
If I could get that desperate housewife in my teeth, I would wreck that.

You might be shocked to hear this? Well let me ask you this... Why do I have an entire basket full of stuffed animals at my disposal? Answer: training. I trained all winter for this trip to Wyoming. I'd walk into the bedroom and carefully select a stuffed toy from the basket. Then I'd carry it into the living room and shake it in my teeth, roll in its faux-bloody carcass, then disembowel it. And every time I'd do it, M-dub would be like, "Oh, isn't that cute.." Then when I do it in real life to a real woodland creature, he gets all pissed and sad. What a pussy. Those critters had it coming to them, rolling up on me like they do.
Here's where we went hiking. We parked by that road down there. Prime habitat for things about to get their lives straight ENDED.

Case in point: the marmot. I was just strolling along and heard some chirping so I go to check it out. Marmot fronts, I chase it down and destroy it. Shook it to death in 3 seconds. No challenge. Now get this... M-dub takes me on a monster hike today looking for new rigs. He saw some sweet rocks but I don't give a shit. I was sniffing around for something beautiful to kill. Overall, the death count was pretty minimal but I must say this was one of my prouder chases. On the hike out we emerged from the trees into this spectacular alpine meadow full of lupine and aspen trees. I didn't notice cause I was sniffing for something to destroy. Then I see M-dub take his camera out which means to me that there is something beautiful nearby that I would like to either A: chase off to prevent his nice picture, or B: kill.
Ah, the majestic moose. So noble and peaceful in your natural habitat. Let me ask you this moose: How's it feel to know you're about to die?

Here I come bitch!

Oh, you're going right? Guess what..me too sucka!

Yer gonna die!

Hahaha...look at it's stupid face! It looks like a dumb ass camel or something!

Your knees look stupid! How you gonna run? How you gonna taste!

This thing corners like a Pontiac! C'mon bitch! Make it a challenge at least!

I'm so happy! I'm just so happy! I love killing nature!

Hahaha...yeah, that was awesome. Highlight of my trip so far. I wish I could make a movie about myself like M-dub does but he seems to have a lockdown on that. What happened next? Hell, I'm not telling you. No way. What happens in Wyoming, stays in Wyoming. That's my motto. Maybe I chased it down, killed it, and ate the whole thing? Maybe it turned on me and smacked me around a little bit? Maybe I just got tired of chasing it and let it go? That's for me to know and you to wonder about. I will give you a clue though. When I came back to the spot where M-dub had been waiting for 20 minutes, I was wet. The nearest water is at least a mile away. I'll leave it at that. Oh, and I threw up in my mouth on the drive home...a lot! Yeah, that happens when I get a good jog in. M-dub went through the motions of scolding me but he knows...When I hear the call of the wild, forget about it. I'm out! 

No comments: