Lilah'sfurcladadventures.blogspot.com: Moose Tracks

I want all y'all to take a moment and picture me in your mind. Picture me how you normally see me. I'm probably laying on a blanket on the couch, snuggled up next to E-train or something, watching Desperate Housewives and looking all pathetic and cute. You probably think that I'm lying there thinking about dog treats and my next forced piss break. Forget about it. I'm thinking about tearing the throat out of the next woodland creature I see, regardless of its size. I don't give a shit! Honey badger's got nothing on me. I'd take out a cobra too if given the chance.  And I sure as hell wouldn't be afraid to take on something bigger either.

If I could get that desperate housewife in my teeth, I would wreck that.

You might be shocked to hear this? Well let me ask you this... Why do I have an entire basket full of stuffed animals at my disposal? Answer: training. I trained all winter for this trip to Wyoming. I'd walk into the bedroom and carefully select a stuffed toy from the basket. Then I'd carry it into the living room and shake it in my teeth, roll in its faux-bloody carcass, then disembowel it. And every time I'd do it, M-dub would be like, "Oh, isn't that cute.." Then when I do it in real life to a real woodland creature, he gets all pissed and sad. What a pussy. Those critters had it coming to them, rolling up on me like they do.

Here's where we went hiking. We parked by that road down there. Prime habitat for things about to get their lives straight ENDED.

Case in point: the marmot. I was just strolling along and heard some chirping so I go to check it out. Marmot fronts, I chase it down and destroy it. Shook it to death in 3 seconds. No challenge. Now get this... M-dub takes me on a monster hike today looking for new rigs. He saw some sweet rocks but I don't give a shit. I was sniffing around for something beautiful to kill. Overall, the death count was pretty minimal but I must say this was one of my prouder chases. On the hike out we emerged from the trees into this spectacular alpine meadow full of lupine and aspen trees. I didn't notice cause I was sniffing for something to destroy. Then I see M-dub take his camera out which means to me that there is something beautiful nearby that I would like to either A: chase off to prevent his nice picture, or B: kill.

Ah, the majestic moose. So noble and peaceful in your natural habitat. Let me ask you this moose: How's it feel to know you're about to die?

Here I come bitch!

Oh, you're going right? Guess what..me too sucka!

Yer gonna die!

Hahaha...look at it's stupid face! It looks like a dumb ass camel or something!

Your knees look stupid! How you gonna run? How you gonna taste!

This thing corners like a Pontiac! C'mon bitch! Make it a challenge at least!

I'm so happy! I'm just so happy! I love killing nature!

Hahaha...yeah, that was awesome. Highlight of my trip so far. I wish I could make a movie about myself like M-dub does but he seems to have a lockdown on that. What happened next? Hell, I'm not telling you. No way. What happens in Wyoming, stays in Wyoming. That's my motto. Maybe I chased it down, killed it, and ate the whole thing? Maybe it turned on me and smacked me around a little bit? Maybe I just got tired of chasing it and let it go? That's for me to know and you to wonder about. I will give you a clue though. When I came back to the spot where M-dub had been waiting for 20 minutes, I was wet. The nearest water is at least a mile away. I'll leave it at that. Oh, and I threw up in my mouth on the drive home...a lot! Yeah, that happens when I get a good jog in. M-dub went through the motions of scolding me but he knows...When I hear the call of the wild, forget about it. I'm out! 

Life in Reverse

Last fall I was in Ten Sleep, Wyoming. Then I headed to Rifle, Colorado before heading home to West Virginia. Time flew by and I found myself heading back to Rifle. I stayed there for about 2 weeks and then blasted back up here to Ten Sleep. Both places have become second and third homes for me. I feel comfortable in these places, especially Ten Sleep where I am now. I've set up shop outside the Rainey/Wilkinson homestead and settled in with my new roommates Gordon McArthur and David and Christine Sjöquist. I'm fortunate to get to hang out in this place with these people. There's something wacky about the vibe in Ten Sleep and the people that are drawn to this place. David's a zany Swede that made a video called 'the Last Cowboy.' We're trying to get it to go viral among climbers. Hook us up and watch it. It has a message that people need to hear.  

The Last Cowboy. Click the image for an interview with TLC and a link to the video.

Back track the timeline a bit. I rolled in to Casa de Wankster in Denver, Colorado and stayed for a spell. We climbed one day in Clear Creek Canyon which is a place I haven't climbed before. I did a couple cool routes and got to sample the infamous New River wall. I kept telling myself, "Whatever you do, don't forget to unclip the purple draw! Or was it the green draw?...dammit!!!" I survived with ZERO rope drag and the climbing was a lot of fun. I even got to throw down an orange box flizash on a 5.12 dizog which was surprising and a little confidence booster. I thought I was gonna be mega weak but instead I was just marginally weak.

I wanted to stay at Casa de Wankster for a while longer but his girlfriend is this super high-strung Latin chica. She's always like "Buenas dias, ju wanna taco, taco." Taco flavored kisses are great and all but Hennifer lays on the Mexican thing really thick. It's ALWAYS margarita time and my liver was killing me so I blasted to Rifle to meet up with Eddie 'Jumbo Hoss' Avallone and his brand new fiance, Rachel 'Twin Cannons' Melville.

Hennifer says, "Do you remember what I want to order? Three tacos, two tostadas and a soda pop."

I also happened to run into some old Fayetteville buddies, John and Laura, for an impromptu WV reunion. With the WV crew around around we got some good climbing days in. I got to do some classics in Rifle I hadn't done before like Anti-Phil and Squeel to Stihl. Really good.

From left: John and Lilah, Laura and Evy, Rachel, Eddie and Apollo.

After they left, I was on my own and had some solo time on my hands. Dave Pegg showed me his top-secret new crag that he is telling everyone about and desperately trying to get them to come to. Hogwarts is pretty rad. I bolted and sent a nice new rig at the top of the hill called Death Eaters (5.13b). I don't know anything about Harry Potter, which is the theme of the crag, so Dave had to help me with the name. It's a pretty damn cool route. It starts with a little 5.12b section down low and some moderate face climbing to gain a chossy scoop where it breaks right off of Dave's route, Order of the Phoenix (5.12+). After the scoop it stays on you for about 6 or 7 bolts of dynamic, powerful movement on perfect rock. I was pretty stoked to get to add a new route to this cliff. In the future, the area might have 100 routes and may even be slightly popular? It'll never be Rifle but in my opinion the climbing is better...maybe not better but different, which is nice if you're burned out on blocky thuggery.  

Master P finishing up the equipping of Order of the Phoenix 5.12+ (left line). The right line is Death Eaters 5.13b. Both routes are about 35 meters and about 1/3rd of the length is below the bottom of the photo.

Dave hooked me up with a bunch of bolts and hangers and I was all set to keep bolting at Hogwizzles but it started getting hot. Heat is my arch enemy. It is stronger and more powerful than I will ever be. I will always run rather than fight it.

Blammo, here I am in Ten Sleep. It's still cool enough here to climb in the cave and I'm getting the workout  I was hoping to get from Rifle. I am wrecked up! It's possible that the cave is even more physical and tiring than Rifle which would make it the most body-wrecking crag I've ever been to. One pitch feels like going three rounds in the UFC...without the head trauma. Soon enough though it will be heating up here as well and we'll head further up into the mountains to climb at Ten Sleezy proper.

Coal train will be here in about 10 days! I'm psyched to see the wife-piece! So is bebe chien who made her first kill the other day. She chased down a big marmot and grabbed it in her jaws and shook it to death in like 3 seconds. It was an amazing display of dog prowess. So proud of my little hunter.

Beware woodland creatures. She is a ferocious hunter.

Congrats to Eddie 'Jumbo Hoss' Avallone for picking the more attractive of these two crushers to be his bride.

Life Gives You Lemons

Note: written back in April sometime. I'm playing catch up.

There’s a saying that I’m sure you’ve heard: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” They fail to mention that lemonade tastes like crap.

It's the sugar that makes it taste good. The saying is not, "Sometimes life gives you sugar."

I’ve haven’t written anything here for months mostly because I’ve had the feeling that I don’t have anything to write about. Last summer and fall marked a high point for me in my climbing. I felt great at Ten Sleep and most importantly, I fired off my ‘mega-proj’ at my home crag here at the New. After that I just kind of lost motivation for climbing. I had no more projects to stay excited about. It was winter time and harder than usual to muster the proverbial ‘psyche.’

But more than anything I just felt off. I was waking up every day just feeling old and I made a point of telling Elissa this daily which I’m sure she appreciated. I couldn’t bring myself to climb or train at home. I felt down and out and chalked it up to either, 1: The send of the project. Or 2: My body needing rest. Maybe that’s a cop out but when I look back, I haven’t been ‘not sore’ for like 10 years. I don’t think I’ve taken more than a week off of climbing for a decade so I figured maybe my body was telling me to rest. Training coaches and top climbers all talk about the importance of rest and many of them suggest taking off a full month per year. Well, maybe I overdid it by barely climbing for 4 months!

About 6 weeks ago I started feeling some odd pain in my lower back and figured I tweaked something climbing. It got worse and soon enough I knew it wasn’t a muscle related injury. I started checking online and diagnosed myself with a kidney stone which is odd because I’m relatively healthy by modern American standards. But kidneys stones are a mystery and appear for different reasons in random people. So the internet advised me to eat lemons which I attacked at a rate of three per day. Maybe it helped but probably not.

Either way, I finally went to the doctor to make sure I didn’t have some damn kidney cancer or something. I got a CT scan, MRI, and blood work and there was no sign of the stone. But I knew something was wrong and there was something inside me. I named him Lee Harvey because when he strikes it’s like getting shot from a far off grassy knoll and not hearing the report. He is a sneaky bastard willing to shoot me in my sleep, at my desk chair, or in the middle of a 5.12X rated run-out (which of course I’ve avoided ONLY because of Lee Harvey).

They start off small and harmless. Then they try to kill you.

During my last Dr. visit, Lee Harvey struck with a hollow point bullet and I immediately turned as white as a Grand Wizard and almost lost my lunch. I broke out in August rapist sweat and by the third shot to the back I saw the world spin and almost went face down and passed out. The last thing I remember was seeing the crux of the mega-proj flash before my eyes and then St. Peter’s gates appeared. Right before I went face down, I sacked up thinking, “Keep it together man! Don’t die now! Someday you might be get sponsored and be on Youtube!”

I’m kidding, but honestly it’s scary when your body lets you down and it makes you realize just how fragile we really are. Looking at those CT scans changes your perspective on life for a minute. We are actually just a bag of guts. A bag of thousands of nasty guts that all have a purpose and if even one of them lets you down, it’s curtains. It makes climbing completely meaningless and just general life seem somehow a little more important. I’m not delusional, trying to be all inspirational like, “Oh, I’m a cancer survivor” or some garbage like that. I’m just saying, it sucks when your body lets you down. When I get sick, I get pissed and usually swear off being around people ever!

Anyway, I’m not entirely sure ‘cause I have felt a few little dying kicks from Lee Harvey, but I think that bastard plopped into my bladder. Drown in my piss pool you son of a bitch! I haven’t seen him come flying out of my pee hole yet but if I do I’ll be sure to post his picture on Facebook or something.

Hopefully it’s over and if general feeling is any indication I think it is. For the first day in 4 months I looked at my training wall today and felt ready to get back at it. It was depressing. Nothing showcases your physical state like the benchmark of the home wall. I used to be able to do many sets of 100+ laps on the hit strips, now I’m at 60. 20mm edge pull ups used to be somewhere around 20, now I’m at 7. Balls….Oh well, gotta start somewhere. And honestly, I probably did need the rest.

This is not to say that I have been completely unproductive. We cranked out another issue of DPM. I’ve been trying my best to post more quality than quantity online which I think I’ve accomplished a bit. And I got some climbing in. Overall, I got about three weeks in at the Red and it was really fun. Got to hang out with my boy Suburban Wankster and talk shit all day. Elissa was there for spring break for about ten days which was awesome. Honestly, the best part about it was not really caring about climbing. I looked back at my pictures and found that over the past few months I took more pictures of little things than anything else. I wasn’t invested in heavy projecting or hard climbing. I literally stopped to smell the flowers and it was nice. But there is a time and a place for acting like a bitch and now is not that time! Back to ROCK CLIMBING!!!

Elissa on Stain (5.12c) at the Red.

We’ve got a wicked summer trip planned. I’m blasting out of here in a week or so and heading to Rifle to get back in shape. That place does it for me. A little climbing on the front range. Elissa flies into Denver mid-June then we head north. Back to Ten Sleep for a quick visit and then on to Canada. I got my Bow Valley guidebook in the mail today and it looks sick up there. Limestone and grizzly bears. Bring it.   

We had a killer day at Long Point. I got to climb The Ginger Assassin, Levi's sick new 12d trad route out the crack in the roof.

Hanging out at the cliffs with Steve Hedgecock. Dude keeps it real.

 The wildflowers at the Red were poppin'. Trillium.

Elissa lookin' diesel on Harvest (5.12d).

Nice try Red River Gorge. Nice try... Chinese Red Buds and the ironic sign you see on the way to Miguel's.

 Pat Goodman starting out 'the General' project. This 40-foot roof crack at the Meadow is much, much, harder than it looks. And it looks pretty hard.

Still photos can't potray my cries of pain. I lasted about 5 minutes on this torture test.

Photo Dump

Leslie Timms: Genocide (5.12a)

Wolf Creek: New River Gorge, WV

yet, among their loud exactitudes of imprecision you'll (silently alighting) and i'll sing while at us very deafly a most stares colossal hoax of clocks and calendars -ee.cummings.

What?  Is that even a sentence? -Me 

Eddie Avallone

Photo Dump

Copperhead: Summersville Lake, WV

Jeremy Rhee: Eighth Day (5.13a) Rifle, Colorado

Milky Williams: Trident (5.13d) Meadow River, WV

Leslie Timms: Trojans (5.11d) Meadow River, WV

John Averette: Thirstier than a Honey Badger

Evening Hike: Beauty Mountain, New River Gorge, WV

Elissa Williams: Halloween 2011.  Jane Fonda

Jason Marshall, Karissa Dunbar: Halloween 2011, White Trash

Halloween 2011

Everyone is going to a Quarterly

Deadpoint mag did, so I guess I will too.  I’ll be lucky to update this blog 4 times a year and it will likely be right after an issue goes to print.  For the first time in months I sat down today, looked at my list of things to do and realized I had trickled down to the stuff on the backburner.  Blogpiece. 

A quick recap:  After leaving Ten Sleep, I went to Rifle for the month of September.  The conditions were perfect and it was a great scene.  My friends J Mcnasty and his beautiful American geisha bride were there so I jumped in on their honeymoon.  I had a single goal for Rifle; to climb Living in Fear (5.13d).  The style in Rifle has never ‘suited me’ which is a euphemism for saying ‘I’m weak.’  The relentless dull thud of moderately difficult movement always leaves me hanging on the end of the rope with flamed forearms.  I knew it would be a challenge and it was.  As usual for me, it came down to the wire.  I was progressing up the route literally one more move at a time and I had fallen just shy of the finishing hold two or three times.  It was pretty cool to finally grab it on my very last day there.  The usual suspects were all there at the project wall cheering me on and it felt really nice to feel the positive support from the locals.  Rifle’s always had a bad rap for having an elitist crew but on the contrary I find the regular climber’s there to be the most supportive and positive group to be found anywhere.  Great times.

Me, Lilah, Abby, and J Mcnasty



The '5.8 dyno' seen here is supposed to be the redpoint crux of the route Living in Fear.  I fell above it a few times.  And it's not 5.8!



I pulled the rope, wrapped up a loose end getting some interview footage and headed east.  The next two days I drove across the country with a single thing on my mind, my New River project, which I always called ‘the mega proj’.  It took a while for that name to settle in.  It’s never mega at first.  But slowly and surely the years had ticked by and before I knew it, I’d been steadily working it for four years.  This would be my seventh (or eight?) season on the route and I knew I was going to send this year.  I had to.  It nearly drove me to madness.  I planned my entire life around the route and it was getting old.  In fact, the entire trip out west that I had just completed was planned to maximize the specific strength I needed for the route.  “3 months of techy face climbing at Ten Sleep followed by a month of thuggy gym-style climbing should do the trick, I thought.”  I hadn’t been home 2 weeks when I surprised myself by sending.  Sending this route was a HUGE deal for me.  I named it Picket Fence and gave it the grade of 5.14b.  It took me a long time to process the event and I still think about it a lot.  After I sent the route, I hiked out to it every day for about two weeks.  I’m not sure why but it was kind of like I lost an old friend.  Maybe someday I’ll think more about it and try to write about it.

The crux of Picket Fence is a stand-move to catch a sidepull.  On Nov. 11, 2008 I stuck the move and fell on the next one.  It took me three years to regain this highpoint.  I was not going to fall there again!

With the mega proj off my back I got to turn to a few other routes that I’d had on the backburner.  First off was a route I bolted at the Meadow a few years ago.  It is just to the right of Toxic Hueco (5.11d) and climbs perfect rock.  Unfortunately it’s kind of a one move wonder surrounded by excellent 5.12a terrain.  Usually routes are pretty easy to decipher after a while but this one took a great deal of time.  The blank stretch of rock had a few options.  I worked a sequence out left of the bolt last season and started trying to redpoint it that way.  Then at some point, I figured out a sequence to the right of the bolt and finally a figured out a sequence even further right of the bolt.  Oddly, every single sequence was the same difficulty.  (V9ish)  I finally settled on the rightmost sequence and moved the bolt which is a shame to have to do.  I hate having to drill another hole in our perfect stone but it had to be done.  The new sequence involved reaching high to a mono and pulling it down to the waist.  The next hold is a tiny right hand razor mono crimp.  A rock over onto a bad foot and one more crimp and it’s over.  Easy to the chains.  I named this one Trident (5.13d) for its unique 3-pronged crux section. 

This photo shows the beta for the middle method.  In the end I took the mono in my right hand with my left hand.  This is a nice route that someone should come do.  Leslie Timms photo. 

After Trident, I was able to finish another route I’d had draws on for a year or more.  The route McCrayfish and Chips (5.13d) is at Beauty Mountain just a short hike down from Picket Fence.  I’d never invested time in it because I’d been working my other project.  It’s actually a great route that should see some more traffic.  Very steep and very powerful for NRG climbing.  Stephen Meinhold got the first ascent about 3 years ago.  I remember that day clearly.  We had stashed two victory beers in a cave between our two projects.  He drank his that day.  I just drank mine a few weeks ago when I sent Picket Fence!  It tasted fine.  Since then it’s only been repeated once by J Mcnasty.  I don’t understand why people don’t come and do these excellent routes.  It blows me away. 

After the send of Picket Fence I dug around in the cave and found the four-year-old celebration ale that I had stashed there.  Like a fine wine in a cellar it had been preserved perfectly, though somehow still tasted like bitter defeat. 

And finally, after that rig I ended up giving another go to the Hoax of Clocks project at Central Endless.  When Porter bolted it a few years ago I tried it and it felt impossible.  I actually wrote a tentative grade in the guidebook as 5.14c.  In the years since then it developed a pretty fierce reputation, mostly because when Chris Sharma came a few years ago, he tried it and wasn’t able to send it second try.  I didn’t witness this because I was failing on my project at Beauty that day.  But there is some footage of it online that you can check out here at minute 3:20.

The route starts with maybe some 5.12c to gain the first crux.  This crux ended up being the most powerful for me.  It's funny to watch in the video how Sharma pees on it.  He is really strong, but we all know that already.

This go around, I figured out some good beta at the crux and sent the route on my fifth day on it.  It’s really cool to be able to get the first ascent of a classic new face climb on the Endless Wall, one of America’s premiere face climbing areas.  It’s a beautiful route but, like many Endless Wall routes, it’s plagued by big horizontal breaks that offer excellent recovery.  The grade of the route comes down to the difficulty of the hardest moves.  I’m guessing about 5.14a. 

The second crux comes just shy of the chains on some of the smallest crimps I've ever matched up on.  The one they show the close-up of Sharma grabbing in the video is the 'good one.'  Ha!  I ended up getting a high left foot and doing the move static.  Overcoming blank stretches of rock at the New has taken me a decade to understand the technique.  The beta that works requires putting your foot by your shoulder.  Understandably, Sharma wasn't able to crack the code in the hour he spent on the route.  I think that's interesting and a testament to the specialization required for some of these climbs.  As you can see, this is a screen grab from video.  I've got a cool concept for this short film that will take a while to put together over the winter. 

It’s funny to reflect back on climbing when, for some reason; it seems that climbing has been a relatively small part of my life over the past few months.  I put a lot of effort into our latest issue and I think it turned out really great.  Check out issue 18 here.

I spent an almost equal amount of time editing the video footage that I compiled in Rifle.  It was really great to get to film some hero-status climbers like Joe Kinder, Dave Graham, and Jonathan Siegrist.  I really look up to those guys so it was a real treat to get to hang out with them and shoot some video.  I still have a lot to learn with creating videos but every time I do one I learn more.  It’s been a great new hobby.  If you're not already a member of the Stash at DPM I recommend doing so.  1 dollar a month is a small price to pay for the amount of entertainment offered.  Join up, if for no other reason than to support us.  We try hard, and that's the best you can ask for.  If you're a member of the Stash, check out the Rifle video here:  

Astroglide

I was over at Alli and Kevin’s last night watching Ulitmate Fighting Champion.  Last night’s match was between the undefeated champion Anderson Silva and some Asian dude named Yushin Okami that looked like J McNasty.  Silva is widely regarded as possibly the greatest fighter of all time, though I’d never heard of him.  The fight starts and Silva starts doing a little dance.  He bobs and weaves.  He throws mock jabs and kicks, then he throws a little hip thrust.  It is obvious that he is studying the reactions of his opponent and the information is being compiled in his computer-like brain-piece.  A brain-piece that is faster than an I-7 processor.  By the end of the first round, Silva has barely received a blow.  He is at 100% capacity while his opponent hovers around 80%.  With all of his information compiled, Silva is ready to destroy Okami. 

Silva.  Jedi Master 

Having already decided that the other guy stands no chance, Silva puts on a show.  He drops his arms to his sides.  His opponent throws lightning quick jabs at his head and Silva dodges every one.  His neck moves with the quickness of a cobra strike, almost imperceptible to the human eye.  When the time is right, Silva strikes.  A single jab to the face that seems to come from nowhere drops his opponent to the mat.  Instead of pouncing and finishing him off, Silva stands there mockingly.  Okami gets up, obviously shaken, and it is apparent in his face that he is afraid.  After years of training and becoming one of the best cage fighters in the world, he now understands that he is the mouse and Silva is the cat.  The fight is simply unfair.  Silva’s arms are at his side.   His opponent tries futilely to land a punch, anywhere, anything, but Silva’s reflexes are unmatched.   When Silva decides the time is right, he finishes the fight and stands victorious at nearly 100% capacity.  He is barely winded after a title bout with one of the best fighters in the world. 

Oh, I'm sorry, were you trying to punch me?

It was possibly the greatest feat of athleticism I have ever seen.  Silva defines domination in the ring.  Alli was saying that the UFC cannot find anyone in the world that stands a chance against him, not even a remote chance.  And they need someone to beat him because his fights are almost boring and come with a guaranteed outcome.  Probably not good for pay-per-view sales. 

Highlight reel.  I'm not even really a fan of fighting.  It's the absolute mastery of his game that impresses me.   

I left their house in the dark, pumped with adrenaline, and headed back up into the canyon.  I was absolutely impressed having seen a true Jedi-master at work.  I actively thought about Silva’s training.  A trainer throws a small rubber ball at his face for hours and his duty is to dodge it, which he does.  My mind drifted until something caught my eye.  A raccoon darted into the road.  I engaged my lightning reflexes and dodged to the right, narrowly avoiding the coon.  My heart raced as I corrected to avoid a fishtail.  Still trying to keep Max from flipping on his side, a skunk raced out to test me.  I flicked to the left into the other lane with the quickness of a cobra.  Then I immediately hit a frog.  Splat!  Seriously, come on nature, cut me some slack.

What it spoke to me is that we climbers can barely call ourselves athletes compared to the athletic prowess and intense training methods found in some other sports.  Some of the best outdoor climbers in the world spend their days sleeping till noon, smoking pot, and then casually trying hard for a few intense moments when it ‘feels right.’  This is nothing compared to the intensity of a scheduled title bout in front of tens of thousands of people. 

I slept until 10:45 today, something I haven’t done since high school, over half my life ago.   I say this because I find it ridiculous that I feel compelled to write about a miniscule achievement in my personal life that does not even compare to something actually noteworthy like dominating an opponent in the Octagon.  But climbing is my passion and represents something that I’m absolutely addicted to and love.  It means something to me and when I accomplish a personal goal I like to share those experiences with my family and friends.  In the grand scheme of life, it means nothing.  But to me it means a little something and so I will share my experiences and thoughts on the route Astroglide.

Elissa on the classic route Sprout in the Pipedream cave, Maple Canyon, Utah. 

I spent nearly the entire summer climbing here at Ten Sleep Canyon, Wyoming.  Elissa and I left to attend the tradeshow at the beginning of August and dabbled at Maple Canyon and Logan Canyon.  She flew out of Salt Lake, leaving Lilah and myself alone on the road.  We visited Nick Duttle in Colorado briefly but Ten Sleep was calling me back.  There was one project that I hadn’t tried that nagged in my mind.  Astroglide was listed as 5.14+ in the back of the book, a claim as the hardest route in Ten Sleep and still an unsent project.  I knew I had to go back and try it just to make sure it was impossible for me.

 Upon returning, I went straight to it and surprised myself by doing all the moves on the first day.  I was incredibly excited as I immediately knew I could do it with some work.  My second day on the route I went for a link and promptly split a tip.  Blood oozed out from a tiny gash about 1/8^th of an inch from the tip.  The holds were small and the split was telling me that this was going to be skin intensive, requiring a lot of time and rest.  Routes that eat skin are the worst.  Constantly monitoring skin growth is like watching paint dry, sometimes requiring days of rest between serious attempts.  Boring, just like this blog post so I’ll cut to the chase and tell you that I eventually sent it after about two weeks of effort.  

 The holds on Astroglide are small and wreaked havoc on my skin.

I am very happy to have been able to send this project.   It is a beautiful piece of rock though I must say it isn't quite a five star route.  The crux section starts immediately off the ground and stays sustained for about 35 feet.  After that is finishes up a 5.12c slab to the top of the cliff.  It’s barely overhanging on very small holds and very technical.  I have to note a few things about how I climbed it. 

Kevin Wilkinson bolted Astroglide a few years ago.  He tried it and said, “It didn’t go well.”  The only other person to try it was James Litz when he came through last summer and easily dispatched everything including Ten Sleep’s actual two hardest routes, General Litzenheimer (5.14c) and Porcelein (5.14b).  At the fourth bolt, James worked the intended sequence straight up to the fifth bolt, avoiding a good edge out left.  After the crux section the rock slabs out a bit and a full recovery is possible.  James climbed straight above the fifth adding another ridiculously hard section before the relatively easy finishing slab.  He estimated that the route, in this fashion was potentially 5.14c.  Though obviously capable, James didn’t return to send the route. 

Astroglide, a slippery little dude. 

When a much weaker climber such as myself came to try the route, I knew right away that staying within the confines of the gold streak was not only ridiculously hard, but also contrived.   Though it would have been a harder and cooler way to do it straight up I knew it would be silly to invest time in something I couldn’t do and furthermore, something that someone else would eventually find a better sequence for and downgrade radically.  So I strayed slightly left at the fourth and far left at the fifth, clipping all the bolts on the route.  This is the easiest sequence and though not as straight and narrow as the intended sequence, it makes the most sense. 

It’s still pretty hard though.  A breakdown of the crux would be: 15 feet of V8 ending at the clipping hold of the third bolt, straight into a 4 move V9/10, to a very poor shake on the aforementioned ‘good edge’ just above the fourth bolt, then a final V7 before the 5.12c finishing slab. 

I’m calling this 5.14a but again have to clarify on what that means.  You’ll note that in the video I call this 5.14a/b.  I hate slash grades more than anyone but can’t think of an easier way out for this route.  Based on all of my previous life experiences climbing at many different crags I think that 5.14a is appropriate but based solely on my experiences here at Ten Sleep it would be 5.14b.  It is definitely a big step up from the other four 5.14a’s here but not as hard as Litz’s Porcelein (5.14b).  Based solely on Ten Sleep grades  I would think 5.14b but I refuse to believe I climb that grade, especially in as little as two weeks. 

Right after I did Astroglide I also sent He Biggum which is just to the right and shares the same first move.  I must say that calling Astroglide 5.14a when He Biggum is 5.13d is ridiculous.  Astroglide is worlds harder.  After long talks with Kevin, Alli and J Mcnasty, the general consensus is that, “Grades are fucked.”  They are and always will be.  Take it with a grain of salt.  Just know that Astroglide is harder than the 5.14a’s and easier than Litz’s two routes at French Cattle Ranch.       

The other thing to take into account is the morphological aspect of difficulty on vertical terrain.  The crux move is a very difficult stab to a 2 finger crimp sidepull pocket thing out left.  I can barely keep my right foot on a tiny knob that allows me to push to the hold.  If you can’t reach the hold from the foot knob, that move will be exponentially harder.  If you have fat fingers, this route will be exponentially harder.  Basically, if you are not shaped to my exact specifications (5’10”, plus 1 ape index, 124 pounds), this route will probably be harder than 5.14a.  So the slash grade also indicates: 5.14a for me, 5.14b for you.  Ha!!  Pretty funny.

If you’re still reading, I feel very sorry for you.  My rants are pathetic.  But before you watch the video I have to note one final thing.  This video is entirely sarcastic.  I’ve quickly learned by posting shenanigans on DPM that many people don’t understand sarcasm and I come off as an arrogant toolshed.  People that can’t appreciate sarcastic humor are the worst of the worst in my opinion and should be lined up and shot to rid the world of the waste of space that they are.  I’m kidding!  That’s sarcasm.  It turns out that there are many people that don’t get it: Autistic, learning disabled, and under the age of four to name a few.  If you fit this profile, you won’t get it so don’t watch.  If you just want to see the climbing footage and don’t want to watch all the shenanigans, skip to minute 7:00.  I also have to note that the climbing footage was all shot from the ground, mostly by tripod, so it’s not the best.          

        Click the Crushmore Crew for video.